A letter to the person who broke me

What’s it like to be hurt so bad that it totally changes your outlook – And I am not talking about the suddenly blossomed grey hairs, hmmm... wait a minute -  towards life. If unfortunately your go-to answer is YES, , please go-ahead and rummage through the whole of it. If fortunately your answer is NO, please go-ahead and rummage through the whole of it.  Sometimes life doesn’t give you any choices as I did now. Why? I’ll let you know at the end. So rummage on.

I recently had a bout of infection which restricted my mind and soul into quarantine. A room with myself, my thoughts, and my coughing-wheezing body is enough to get all sort of shenanigans running amok in anybody’s mind, I tell you. From scraping and sanitizing every inch of the surface, to tracking down every neuron and christening it in my head, I’ve visited everywhere and then some in those 2 weeks (because that’s all where you can go!). I was trying so hard to stay away from the NEWS and bad thoughts that I kept reading the NEWS for 5-8 hours (talk about failing hard!). Then there were moments of sitting in silence and introspecting. In the middle of one such moment, I had an epiphany. The voice in my head (oh shut up for once, please!) spoke a few words, words from my distant past, words which were engraved in my mind so permanently that I believed it had to be my reality. This voice wasn’t mine. And I had a short-term amnesia and completely forgotten about these words. But my subconscious remembered it – Note: short term amnesia doesn’t affect the subconscious mind, dang. My non-amnesiac subconscious made me act on it for the last 5 years. And I kept wondering why I was stagnant in my life for those non fruitful years. Well, thanks to the silence, it helped me find my much-needed answer.

The voice said, “You’re good for nothing. You try and you fail, that’s your reality. Accept it”. I was young and stupid back then, so I accepted these words without a retort. Now that I’m old, wellll in my twenties (and, not THAT stupid anymore), I understand that these words were nothing, but a bad vibe thrown at me in vice. I wonder why I accepted it, was I really that confident that I was stupid? Maybe what they say about subconscious mind is right after all (that it cannot think analytically, only the conscious mind can analyze and shoot arrows when required).

So, today I wish to speak directly to the person who broke me. I agree to disagree with you. You are in dire need of an ophthalmologist because I am much more awesome than what you see, I am awesomeness defined, so there. I might trip and I might fall, I might try, and I might fail, but that’s how it works till you grip, gasp, and pull yourself on to the next plane. You were ignorant and I forgive you, because you might still be a smaller person….. or not, but I am definitely bigger now. On second and further thoughts, I always was.

So, a word from the wise old head of the enlightened one in the twenties (oh please, flattering oneself isn’t a sin now, is it?!), you might not be able to pull someone out of the dirt, but nothing and nobody gives you the right to push them down, just because you can or think you can – I will go with the latter. That’s the least you can do on humanitarian (look up the dictionary, it’s a real word) grounds.