How Thick Should You Be to Be Unscathed?

Ever had one of those days where you say something embarrassing, trip over absolutely nothing, or send a text to the wrong person, and suddenly, you wish you were made of Teflon so nothing could stick?

Or maybe someone threw a little negativity your way, and instead of brushing it off, you overanalyzed it for the next 48 hours like it was a PhD dissertation?

Well, my friend, the solution to all of life’s nonsense is thickness. Not in the physical sense (although having a little extra padding does help when you accidentally walk into furniture), but in the mental and emotional sense.

So, let’s answer life’s most important question: How thick should you be to be unscathed?

Step 1: The Thickness Scale 🏋️‍♂️

Thickness comes in levels. Some people are as delicate as a tissue in a thunderstorm, while others are built like a brick wall that even the worst gossip can’t crack.

🔹 Level 1: The Tissue Paper Warrior – Overthinks a typo in an email for three days. Takes criticism as a personal attack. Wouldn’t survive Twitter.

🔹 Level 3: The Marshmallow Shield – Soft but resilient. Can take minor jokes but will still replay awkward moments at 3 AM.

🔹 Level 5: The Rubber Duck – Things bounce off most of the time, but occasionally, an unexpected insult will sink in.

🔹 Level 10: The Rhino-Skinned Legend – Immune to drama, bad vibes, and unsolicited opinions. Probably naps peacefully while the world burns.

The goal? Get yourself to at least Level 5, so life’s little annoyances don’t send you spiraling.

Step 2: How to Increase Your Thickness (Without Eating More Cake, Sadly)

1️⃣ Master the Art of Not Caring

Repeat after me: Not everyone’s opinion matters. The person who made that rude comment? Probably hasn't figured out their own life yet. Move on.

2️⃣ Develop a Goldfish Memory

Goldfish forget things in seconds. Be a goldfish. Embarrassed yourself at work? Forgotten. Someone made a weird face when you walked by? Doesn’t matter.

3️⃣ Laugh at Yourself More

If you trip over air, own it. If you send a cringe text, make it extra cringe and commit to the bit. Life is funnier when you stop taking yourself so seriously.

4️⃣ Pretend You're a Celebrity

Ever seen a celeb respond to haters? They either ignore them or post a picture of their fabulous vacation. Channel that energy.

5️⃣ Eat a Snack and Reassess

Sometimes, you’re not actually upset. You’re just hungry. Before reacting, eat something and see if the problem still exists.

Step 3: The Ultimate Test – Are You Thick Enough?

Here’s a quick test to see if you’ve reached unscathed-level thickness:

✔ Someone gives you side-eye in public. Do you:

• Assume they hate you and change your whole personality?
• Smile at them awkwardly and hope they weren’t looking?
• Not notice because you’re busy living your best life?

✔ You send a text with an embarrassing typo. Do you:

• Apologize, delete your phone, and move to a new city?
• Correct yourself and cringe for 20 minutes?
• Follow up with an even funnier typo on purpose?

✔ Someone criticizes you. Do you:

• Let it ruin your week?
• Take a deep breath, overthink it, and eventually let it go?
• Consider if it’s useful, and if not, shrug it off like a pro?

If you mostly answered C, congratulations! You have reached Elite Thickness Status. If you’re still hovering between A and B, don’t worry—thickness is a muscle, and you just need more reps.

Final Thoughts: Be a Marshmallow Rhino 🦏

At the end of the day, the secret to being thick enough to be unscathed is this: care about what matters, and laugh off what doesn’t.

• Be kind, but not a doormat.
• Be confident, but not arrogant.
• Be a marshmallow rhino—soft when it counts, but unshakable when it doesn’t.

Now, go forth and be gloriously, fabulously unbothered. 💃